Sweetie's Christmas List

Dear Santa,
I hope this letter finds you and the Mrs. happy and well. I'm sure you know how wonderful I have been all year. You knew when I was sleeping, you knew when I was awake, bad and good and all the rest of that happy horseshit, lets quit the ass kissing session and get down to business.

For starters, could you run your sleigh over Oprah's self righteous ass? I am sick to death of watching that mug with her eyes on each side of her head, sittin' up in her diamond earrings and Chanel being an armchair mother, wife, gay man, attorney, AND expert on everything else thats going on in the world. She has no clue of what the real world is about anymore. Please Santa, rid her from my television. While you're at it, can you take Tony Danza, Tyra Banks, Judge Judy, Dennis Miller, Paris Hilton, Kathy Griffin, Ant, that screaming asshole from Extreme Makeover Home Edition, Adrian Curry, Donald Trump, and Martha Stewart with her? Thanks Doll.

What I would love to have for my very own is Colin Farrell, Jaime Foxx, Max D'Million from MeatPackers Video, The Gotti Boys (magically ALL over 18 of course), Jake Gyllenhal, Dermot Mulroney, Busta Rhymes, John Cusack, Anderson Cooper, Freddie Prinze Jr, JLo's first ex husband, Vin Diesel, the Mexican guy with the tats and long hair that delivers from Famous Deli, and that HOT Indian dude that took his turban off for me two Sundays ago and showed me his long, beautiful, shiny hair sitting in front of my apartment. These things would definitely make me very good for the next year.

Santa can you please force certain designers to start making their clothes in plus sizes and ask me to be their spokemodel? I will do it for free as long as I get to keep the clothes. Also Santa, please make sure that every shoe store carries up to size 15 for ladies, that way even I can feel like "at least my feet aren't THAT big" as I browse thru the 13's and pity the big footed women around me, hoping that the 15's are cut generously enough for their mammoth tootsies.

Santa I wouldn't be truly good unless I asked for a few things for other people. Please refer to the video of "The Wizard of Oz" that I am sure some of your happy little helpers have hidden in their drawers next to their International Male catalogues. Santa please bring President Bush a heart, some courage AND a brain. Please leave a lie detector at the Cheney's house, and please lift the obsession from Condeliza Rice to always appear as if she has just farted in public.