It's Raining Midgets!!!

My luck has been bubbling over as of late at SPLASH. As I reported in my last rant, I experienced a tiny little man named Andios who I introduced as my husband. Barely five feet tall with all the bravado of a Latin Inches model. THIS WEEK I had the pleasure of meeting Heather. Heather was a full fledged "little person". The gorgeous part about Heather is she was probably 4ft5 and was everything that Britney and Christina would WANT to be. Heather had a huge head of salon done hair. FIERCE under teased Jennifer Aniston realness in that sexy slide cut style that looks completely messy AND done at the same time. I am talking mounds of thick, glossy hair. Miss Heather rocked lashes, a flawlessly painted face, midriff halter, a belly chain, and low slung trousers that showed JUST the slightest bit of crack in the back. She admitted to me she was out looking for freaky Bi-sexual men. She was in from Long Island where she worked as a waitress at Applebees. This bitch was FIERCE. She moved thru the crowd with complete confidence. I spied her on the dancefloor letting the faggots know who the hell she was!! I LIVED!!!! The down side of the evening is one of the contestants was a ego maniac queen who JUST HAPPENED to mop a gorgeous pair of earrings from me that Rose Royalle gave me as a gift 2 summers ago. She also "borrowed" a CD player that never seemed to get back to me. I will call the little bitch KIESHA because that happens to be her name. I have emailed her, spoken to her directly, and each attempt to retrieve my goods have gone completely ignored. She would show up at my parties and slways FORGET to bring my stuff. My first thought was to be a bitch myself and just CHOP her from the contest. She never had the backbone to even look me in the eye. She was on MY STAGE (I do not book the talent) and couldn't have the decency to bring me what she stole. She has been PHOTOGRAPHED in the earrings (which are done by designers who no longer are in business) I have the matching necklace, but the earrings are hanging on the dried out, ashy lobes of a queen who doesn't deserve the sweat off my tits. If any of you go to Lucky Chengs and see a half baked, Princess Diandra look alike trying to be fierce in a huge pair of round gold earrings, snatch them off of her ears, spit on her and and make sure they get back to me. Just make sure you don't do it to the REAL Princess Diandra who happens to be a sister and friend of mine AND happens to work at Chengs as well. I would give her a titty if she needed it.

THE ULTIMATE DRAG OFF opened last Friday to a sold out house. I had a ball. Most of the show follows a formula, but I get a good amount of improv. time. The audience is not the kind to dig around a dark nightclub after midnight. Good, old fashioned, God fearing theatre audiences. Playing to an audience like that is much more challenging than the peeps who have supported me the last 14 years in almost every club in the rotten apple. This week is a tribute to MaGrandma. I mean Madonna. I will be working a broken rib effect to channel Madge realness. If the show is not already sold out, it is going to be HYSTERICAL. Go to www.DragOff.com , or www.TheaterMania.com for more info and ticket sales.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching. I am working furiously on my home made "holiday season" sweater. I have chosen a Cheryl Tiegs chocolate brown velour number. I have made a three dimensional pilgrim dinner tableaux out of needlepoint and felt. I am having a hard time creating realistic baked yams on that scale. When it is finished I will stitch it to the front. I will wear authentic turkey feathers attatched to roach clips in my hair, and a pair of knee high moccasin boots. I love a theme!! I tried working a Priscilla Alden look last year, but the damned starched bonnet looked terrible on top of three stacked wigs. Puritan chic is hard to pull off. I hope where-ever you spend your holiday, you take a few minutes and truly be thankful. I know on the big scale we dont have alot to be thankful for this year. But if you can get past the war, the death, the deciet, the torture.........look around you, in your "cozy" apartment you can hardly afford. Be thankful for the sky rocketing electric bill, the looming threat of bird flu, the natural disasters tearing the earth apart. Find peace in your Prada sunglasses. Your Abercrombie T's. Snuggle your Ipod and shed a tear of thanks. Show your gratitude by getting barebacked by a room full of strangers at conveniently planned holiday "gatherings" of fucked up souls trying to forget about yesterday and blocking out tomorrow. Raise your Tina pipe like our forefathers raised a glass of cheer. Take a big ol' hit, close your eyes, and wish upon the stars dancing in your head. It doesn't get much better than this. Does it???