Enough Already!

Was it just me or did Halloween drag on FOREVER???!!! Everybody and their granny was trying to get in on the Halloween action. My eyes have been bleeding all week as one hateful hag after the next tried a hand at looking cutesy for Halloween. It's like the whole city goes thru some sick infantilism trip. "I'm a widdle girl! Look at my argyle knee-socks stretching to capacity around my tree trunk legs!!!" YUCK! The str8's down the hall had a Halloween party on Saturday night. She was a naughty wench and her hubby a swashbuckler. So edgy and kinky. Whatever. Store bought costumes, a huge lack of imagination, and a horde of testosterone hanging out on my porch swilling beer and smoking because the wench doesnt allow cigarettes in her house. Give me a break. If I am going to be cooped up with 50 losers in cheap polyester turd suits I better damn well get to smoke and plenty! They served sushi and fresh fruit. GAG! Just what I love, a bunch of human lumps spewing beer and sushi all over my nicotine free rug. I also had to notice how sexualized Halloween is for the adults. The lady I see walking her dog every day in sweats, a ponytail and sneakers all of a sudden is taking to the street in whorish feline effects. Why are cats portrayed in fishnets, illfitting bodysuits and come f&%# me pumps??? I have to say tho at least the ladies give it some thought. The guys I saw were absolutely BORING. Wow look, it's a cowboy! Gee Willikers is that Batman?? No honey, it's just a non-thinking asshole. Now move along.

I want Halloween to be scary!! I want it to be imaginative. I want to see blood and glitter and wings! If you have to wear a sexy little lingerie look, AT LEAST have half your face rotted off and maggots coming out of your scalp! Even for people without a lot of brains you can always bring it. I have always wanted to throw a Halloween party and call it simply MARGARET WHITE. How gorgeous to have a whole room dressed as Carrie's frizzy haired momma. All you need is a big cotton nightgown and a fright wig. Volia! You are Piper Laurie at her most gorgeous best. The contest could be who could slap Carrie in the head the hardest with the bible. "Eve was weak! Say it woman!" WHOP!! Of course I would crash the party as Chris McNeil, Reagan's mother in a fierce modified mushroom do', big sunglasses, gauchos, a turtleneck and a huge tumbler of scotch. I could spend the whole night chain smoking and overting my eyes from party guests so they won't see the shiner my little devil of a daughter gave me. Simple, chic and horrifying. I would hire some little brat to enter at the right moment and piss on the rug. Provided it's nicotine free of course! Why didn't some queen pull off a flawless re-creation of Ruth Gordon from Rosemary's Baby?? A perfect look for lets say.......Linda Simpson. Wonder around all night in a caftan trying to unload a bowl of "chocolate MOUSE" on waifish young ladies in Sassoon cuts and babydoll dresses. Get extra points for having Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose dressed as the old husband, and every so often break character and scream "Stop it , you Goddamned Baboon!!!" The possibilities are endless.
Now start thinking ahead for next year!