The Comforts of Home

So many of my best friends sought out the insanity of New York City because they knew no matter how hard they tried, they would never fit into the mold that was expected of them in their hometowns across this vast land of "red states" that seem to be gaining momentum every day. For me it wasn't so much about being gay, as I hadn't fully come to understand that about myself at that time. It was much more about never feeling truly at "home", even tho I came from a warm, loving, crazy southern family, with a fantastic mother that I could never begin to describe and do her any kind of justice. Even as a child tho, I felt like a stranger in a strange land. My interests always seemed to lie beyond the city limits. As much as I like to think that I walk in light, I have always been drawn towards the neon lit, garishly painted world that the dark seemed to welcome. There wasn't much neon where I grew up. A suburb with no real downtown that was ruled by the auto industry. It developed in the early 60's when people were fleeing Detroit for the comforts of green lawns, huge malls, and the solace of living side by side with lily white neighbors in cookie cutter ranch style homes and 2 story colonials. Oddly, I would never trade my childhood. I recieved a great education by caring teachers, lived in a world where doors were never locked, crime was not an issue, and I was allowed to live a somewhat protected childhood that kept me safe and sound until I could one day have the courage to face the realization I longed for a world filled with all the things I was shielded from . Films like "Midnight Cowboy" let me peek into a world of twinkling lights, seedy characters and all the darkness that a good midwestern kid could ever want. I have always danced very close to the flames. I am intelligent enough tho to so far, never get burnt. I moved to NYC shortly before my 20th birthday. Two friends and I saved up all summer, me working at Wendy's and on Sept 20th I moved to New York with $2000.00 in my pocket. I had never been to New York before, just always knew I belonged here. While we looked for an apartment we stayed in what was then The Century Paramount Hotel in Tmes Square. The same hotel is now called The Paramount and is considerd one of the more chic hotels in the city. It was $65 a night when we hit NYC in 1985. I can tell you, it was FAR from chic. I was scared shitless. Times Square at the time was this sewer with glitter strewn over it. As many times as my friends and I had ventured into the ghettos of Detroit, I had never witness this harsh a look at humanity. As unsettling as it was tho, I knew it was where I was suppose to be. 20 years later I live not 5 blocks from the first place I ever laid my head in NY. I have lived in Brooklyn twice, the Lower East Side, on 2nd Ave just around the corner from the late great "Rounds". and now am so content in the bosom of Hells Kitchen.

Although I have never hidden aspects of my life from my family, I have to say I have chosen not to discuss a great deal simply because I know that they have no identification with what I am talking about except thru the warped lens of news crews covering Gay Pride or Jerry Springer and other idiots who made a fat living propelling slanted views of queers and drag queens. I must take some blame having participated as a panelist on the "Rolanda" show. As a matter of fact I believe many people got their first glimpse of "Sweetie" on that aprticular television appearance. An old high school friend called my mother and got my number. She called and left a syrupy message about how she was so glad I was living my life the way I wanted and what peace of mind I must have now. The stupid cow actually thought I got up each morning, put on a clean cotton brassiere and faced the day in inches of make-up and 3 wigs plopped on my head to go to the Food Emporium. Thru the years as I have appeared more and more in TV and film it became inevitible that anyone who cared to know what I was up to in NYC could find out pretty easily. After 20 years the jig is up. I went to a classs reunion last year for the first time. It was actaully really hysterical the way people would dance around the gay issue, even more so if they had the nerve to utter the words DRAG QUEEN. The disarming thing for most of my classmates was they were shocked to see I was the same funny, easy going, warm spirit that I was so many years ago. I don't know what they were expecting, but I was a real disappointment up close and personal. I was wearing a Missoni suit. Where was my feather boa???? I appeared to be just another ( ok with better accessories) guy who had put on weight, lost some hair and couldn't dance as long as I could when I wa a senior. I AM different tho. History has made me different. Ignorance and small minds have painted a picture of me that will not easily be erased. My family gets it. Well I think most of it. My mother thought it was great that I got to travel to Europe on someone elses dime and meet celebrities and live the high life. I have three older brothers. The oldest is a teacher in a Christian school. I can't discuss the current president with him. I surely couldn't discuss who I share my bed with, OR GOD FORBID what "uniform" I wear to work. My brother Mark, a deer hunting, farm loving, beer drinking, "pull my finger" kind of guy not only loves me unconditionally, but respects me as well. Thats a tall order from a man who is a card carrying NRA member. Shawn, who is four years older than me has always been a closet hipster. He is a nurse, can turn it out in the kitchen making dishes that Martha Stewart would gag at, turned me on to the movies "Liquid Sky", "Rocky Horror", and "Harold and Maude". He is complicated and sensitive and hysterically funny. He has a sarcasm that could keep many a drag queen on their toes. Shawn is also the one in my family that has truly embraced my difference. I have often dreamed of what Shawn would have been if he had chosen to get away. He is fiercely creative, was a professional magician, an amazing artist who always wins best Halloween costume. If he lived in a big city, he would be a full fledged metro-sexual. The sad truth is..Shawn has always been a lady killer. He went thru girlfriends like underwear when we were teenagers. He has all those sensitive qualities that a woman rarely finds in a guy, but I guess can really deliver the goods when it comes to rolling in the sack. I guess it runs in the family!!!! LOL

When I started this BLOG, I sent out a mass email inviting people to click on it. Shawns email address was amongst the ones that recieved my invitation. I got a phone call from Sahwn last night informing me that he and his daughter in law had viewed my blog and how much he enjoyed it. His daughter in law was taken aback by my comments about camisoles and nursing brassiers, but overall she got a kick out of it as well. So much of my life has been lived without my family to witness. I have shared alot of who I am and what my life has become, but of course with them living in another state, I can hightlight was I feel is palatable and leave out some of the reality that I think they might not seem to get. Well, once again the jig is up. This blog serves as a way of me to open up thoughts and ideas. A way of making people think about things they may have never given alot of thought to. It is my life and my words. It's public for the world to see. I somehow feel as if Shirley Bassey's "This is My Life" should be underscoring this post. I hope what I choose to write about DOES make u think, DOES make you question, DOES make you a bit braver, DOES let u know you are not alone. We only have so much time on this planet. I says taste, touch and smell as much as you can. There are no promises for tomorrow.

Love
SWEETIE